Kilmarnock - Where a picture really does speak 1000 words

Oh Kilmarnock. Home of, The Scheme, Kilmarnock Football Club and not much else. I have previously stated that I had seen one image which summed up Kilmarnock : An overweight man, in the bus station, in a Rangers top, smoking a fag and pushing a pram - filled with beer. Well, yesterday I saw another one. Someone had obviously decided they would bike to work, but of course, one can't just leave a cycle in central Killie can one? So this person had, sensibly, decided to use a bike chain. However, the thieves of Kilmarnock were not to be out-done... The bike had it's back wheel stolen, the only part which wasn't chained down. Brilliant. Almost beats the time somebody stole a "no waiting" sign.
Secondly, got in from work today, to find some mail. Among these was a letter from some religious types. Well, I say a letter, it was more a pamphlet. It said only this : "Remember, Jesus rose from the dead"... Well, thank you, but that doesn't really help me as I'm mopping the floor does it? The day I become a religious man is the day I get a pamphlet saying : "Allah is salvation. P.s, you're out of milk"
Thanks for reading :)

The gift of sound and (tele)vision... It's a long one!

So, how are we? Today, as you may have guessed from the title, I am going to have an ill-informed rant about television. Before you read this I'd like to point out that this was in a night, over the course of around three hours, I didn't sit and watch TV all day...
Firstly, after my Big Brother and the death of British TV rant, did anyone see 'Sherlock' tonight on BBC 1? It's a 3 part series of 90 minute episodes, written by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss of Doctor Who fame and another writer named Stephen Thomson. As some of you may have guessed, I did indeed watch this because it was written by Steven Moffat, who is one of the best television writers of... ever. He's almost as good as Joss Whedon. Though not quite. No-one is as good as Joss Whedon... Sorry, I got distracted, ah, yes, Steven Moffat. Basically, before becoming head writer on Doctor Who he wrote all the best episodes. 'The Empty Child', 'The Doctor Dances', 'Blink', 'The Girl In The Fireplace', 'Silence In The Library'... And then he cast Karen Gillan as Amy Pond and made my favourite series of Doctor Who after Christopher Eccleston's. Genius. Oh, and just to clarify, I thought David Tennant was great, I'm only referring to the storylines over an entire series in my ranking of favourites... So, back to my original point, Sherlock was brilliant. It took the familiar character and placed him in modern-day London, which didn't sound promising, but actually made it much better than the recent film, although having never read any of the books I don't consider myself an expert. The story was exciting, and fast-moving, the characters seemed more real than previous adaptations I've seen and the dialogue was, of course, fantastic. I'll give you an example. Basically, Holmes arch-enemy briefly kidnaps Watson, and offers him money to spy on Holmes. Here is the conversation between the two after Watson's release :
Watson : I met your friend.
Holmes : *looks confused* A friend?
Watson : An enemy
Holmes : *looks relieved* oh, which one?
Watson : Your arch-enemy according to him. Do people HAVE arch-enemies? Who is he?
Holmes : He's the most dangerous man you'll ever meet, and none of my concern at the moment. Did he offer you money to spy on me?
Watson : Yes
Holmes : Did you accept?
Watson : No
Holmes : You should have, we could have split the fee, think it through next time

Utter brilliance. I realise I haven't discussed the story, which is deliberate as I want you all to WATCH IT on iPlayer. You won't regret it, trust me.
Ok, second of all, the welcome return of 'Young, Dumb and Living off Mum'. This programme is by far the finest example of a phenomenon I call 'BBC 3 tv'. You can't sleep, you turn on the tv, you flick to BBC 3, you sit and watch an hour of something or other, not really caring either way. Then, slowly, you begin to look forward to the next episode, and before you know it, you're hooked. It's like befriending a tramp you see on the way home. Essentially, the premise of the show is that a bunch of lazy, spoiled teenagers move into a house together and get jobs and a budget, to show them what it's like in the real world. So far this series, 2 contestants have left, both only in the first episode! I can't remember their names, one was posh, kinda hot and dirty (as in she didn't wash... but now you mention it she DID look like... sorry back to the point) and the other was Beef Curry II. This will make sense to hard-core viewers such as me. This series may even turn out to be better than the first...
Finally, or possibly not, I'm in full flow at this stage, the highlights of the German Grand Prix. I was out during the live race and only managed to catch a few laps on the radio but I gather something controversial happened? Basically, Fernando Alonso was behind Felipe Massa, his Ferrari team-mate, but lapping at a faster pace. The Formula 1 rules state that a team cannot give orders to influence a race, however, in the 48th lap, Massa visibly slowed down to let Alonso pass, having been told over team radio "Fernando is faster than you, do you understand Fernando is faster than you". Following the race, Massa insisted it was his decision to let Alonso pass, as this would be beneficial to his team-mate's attempt at the world championship. However, Ferrari have been fined £100,000 and referred to the world motorsport council. Now, my opinion. Massa clearly WAS given orders to let Alonso pass, there is no doubt about that, it was plain in the voice of Massa's technician that he wasn't happy with the decision, even saying "I'm sorry". However, it shouldn't BE illegal for such practice to take place in Formula 1. What were Ferrari meant to do? Have Alonso stuck behind Massa? That would leave him open to being caught by Vettel, or risk over-taking Massa and causing a crash to put them both out of the race. Alonso is the number one driver, he is the better driver, he has more chance of winning the world championship for his team, OF COURSE Massa should let him pass, in any other sport it would be the case, rather than throwing the book at Ferrari, Formula 1 should re-examine this ludicrous rule.
Ok, I believe I will end it there, as this blog is rapidly approaching biblical size.
Until next time, thanks for reading!

I can't get no sleep - thanks to Justin Bieber

Yes, it was one of those nights. You lie in bed, exhausted and KNOWING you have to be up in the morning, yet you just can't seem to fall asleep. Ridiculous questions pop into your head for no reason, such as Justin Bieber? That's it, just that, I mean really Justin Bieber? Makes no sense to me. And why is it acceptable for girls to want to shag the Bieber? He's like 12 is he not? It's just shedophilia (that's paedophilia for girls)! I wonder if they'll still want him when he's a 27 year old drug addict, photographed offering blowjobs to lepers while mumbling 'Baby' through a mouthful of lepery tramp penis. Incidentally, I hope to be the first person on the internet to have used the phrase "lepery tramp penis". In fact, I'm hoping that was a unique phrase in the English language. Another sure-fire example of insomia, is looking up ridiculous things on Google. Last night, I attempted to substantiate my theory that all the nazis from World War II are in fact now living on the moon. Hilariously, Googling "Nazi Moon Base" actually throws up quite a few conspiracy theories! Hey, 3000 insomniacs can't be wrong. On the plus side, I also Googled the Doctor Who Christmas special (it's extremely sad that the main reason I look forward to Xmas is that there is always a new-Who) and it seems they started filming it just a few days ago. The main reason I mention this is a gratuitous excuse to have a picture of Amy Pond on my blog. Talking of gratuitous usage of images of people I love, I heard the new Katy Perry song yesterday too. I'm really not sure. Needs more listens! (Yes, I like Katy Perry, I also like Nirvana and while we're on confessions, Coldplay. Deal with it) Anyhoo, dear readers (of which there are probably about two) I'm off to the moon to find Hitler and free the alien concentration camps of Mars.
Thanks for reading

Musings on sand and sea...

I am determined to keep this blog up, as I feel it will make me an interesting and slightly wanky student type person. Plus a lot of my friends from uni have one and I enjoy reading their journalistic opinions.
So, this blog basically concerns the beach and all things implied therein. Is it just me that doesn't understand the huge attraction of the beach? The main reason for this is sand. Apart from the practical uses, such as glass making, I fail to see the attraction in sand. I am currently in France, and I guarantee that if were to go to the beach, the sand would burn my feet, get in my food + drinks and stick to me like child abuse allegations to R. Kelly. I fail to see the attraction of this. Of course, on occasion I like to go to Irvine beach with some friends and have a chilled day beside the sea, but in all honesty I'd rather be sitting on grass. Or even dog shit, dog shit is easier to get rid of. I mean seriously, my car is still full of sand from the first time Lisa sat in it covered in sand (i'm sure the driver's seat is the same in all fairness but I d0n't constantly see that while driving). And once you bypass the sand, you reach the sea. Again, at Irvine beach this isn't really an issue, as all anyone does is paddle in it a little bit. However, on holiday you feel as if you are OBLIGED to go swimming. It's the Atlantic Ocean, it's still freezing! Again, don't get me wrong, one of the most hilarious days of my life was in France, being knocked over by huge waves and carried several feet before being roughly dumped on the beach. But swimming around in that freezing cold salt, pretending to enjoy myself? No thank you.
Now, to round off my argument I will offer one small advantage to the beach over most places. Beach football. It's like real football but girls and non-football type men join in. It's hilarious.
Now, I have to finish reading a little 1300 page novel called The Stand. Thank you for reading

It would appear I now have a blog...

I set this blog up in French, because I am in France and I couldn't work out how to put it into English. This blog would probably be a bit less ranty, but I have discovered this can somehow get uni credit, so I am writing opinion blogs here!
So, anyway, saw a bit of Big Brother the other day. Now, I understand people like it (well, less and less these days!) but seriously, it's so bad it's not even funny it's just embarrassing. I've seen two clips this series, in one of them, there was a robot in the house assigning tasks to people, in the other the housemates were making their own musical. In what way is this a "social experiment"? It's just hopelessly moronic, there isn't any intelligence going into making the programme whatsoever. The sooner that this is over for good, the better and we can get back to watching genuinely intelligent, good British tv shows such as The I.T Crowd, Doctor Who, The Inbetweeners and the sadly defunct Life On Mars.