As I hadn't written a blog in a while (I am however working on a list of Ken Pratt quotes) I thought I'd post my review I wrote for a guest lecturer. I don't think it's the best I could've done, but it was requested to be posted and here it be.

My Chemical Romance : Danger Days, The True Lives Of The Fabulous Killjoys

My Chemical Romance : eyeliner clad posterboys for the “emo” generation, purveryors of morbid, angsty punk for broken-hearted teenagers. Their last album, the multi-million selling ‘The Black Parade’ was a dark, operatic concept album about “The Patient” and his slow, painful acceptance of his inevitable death. So when frontman Gerard Way, halfway through lead single and album opener Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na), spits “Let me tell you ‘bout the sad man?/Shut up and let me see your jazz hands!” to say it comes as a surprise is a bit like saying Paul Gascoigne enjoys a pint now and then.

Way and co have never been ones for understatement, and in this respect Danger Days is no different. The concept element present on their three previous efforts (the vampire tale of I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love and Three Cheers For Sweet Rvcenge followed by the mortality story of 2006’s The Black Parade) returns, and this time it is, if anything, more over-the-top. We find ourselves in California in the year 2019, with “The Fabulous Killjoys” : Party Poison (Gerard Way), Jet Star (Ray Toro), Fun Ghoul (Frank Iero) and Kobra Kid (Mikey Way). These comic book style alter-egos of the band are outlaws fighting against the might of the evil Better Living Industries, with its sinister leader Korse, all the while narrated by pirate radio DJ “Dr Death Defying”. It’s basically Nineteen-Eighty-Four with pink hair.

The concept, frankly, doesn’t hold together but in terms of the music? Wow. Iggy Pop style guitar riffs, Bowie-esque synth hooks, Green Day-like singalong pop-punk. It’s not revolutionary in sound but good God it is fun. From the ecstatic shout-along of Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na) to the slowly building Americana twang of Bulletproof Heart to the subtle, eerie S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W this album is about as far from the morbid bombast of The Black Parade as it could possibly be. It’s not perfect, there are moments of regression (God-awful second single Sing for example), but even they can be forgiven when the glam tinged synth-pop of Planetary (Go!) explodes from the speakers, in the words of Dr Death Defying : “Louder than God’s revolver and twice as shiny!”. By the time we get to penultimate track (excluding another interlude from our old friend Dr Death Defying), the utterly fantastic The Kids From Yesterday, it almost feels as though we NEED some of the empty-sounding rhetoric which was all too prevalent on previous MCR albums. And that’s exactly what the Killjoys deliver, though this time it doesn’t sound so empty : “You only hear the music when your heart begins to break” screams Way, surely inspiring thousands of MCRmy tattoos in the process. When the frantic assault of Vampire Money arrives to close the album, you’re left feeling almost breathless.

So what are we left with? From the sounds of it the album My Chemical Romance have always wanted to make. Instead of pandering to their huge existing audience by repeating the successful formula of their first 3 albums, they’ve succeeded in creating a fantastically eclectic pop-rock album which should be riding high in the charts long into next year… And yet. One can’t help but feel that the band, like fellow emo heroes Panic! At The Disco before them, have committed career suicide simply by making a radically different album from the one they;d be expected to make. So divisive were their previous albums, those who weren’t chemically romanced before are unlikely to even listen to this. And those angsty teens? Well “3-2-1, we came to fuck” is hardly “reeling from decimated dreams” is it? Tragically this album seems destined to be largely ignored by the music buying public, simply because of who made it. Even more tragically, those people who ignore it will be missing out on one of the best albums of the year. Don’t let yourself be one of them.

Why 'X Factor' should not cover '"Heroes"' (and not just because I love David Bowie)

So, the 'X Factor' contestants are going to do a cover of the David Bowie song '"Heroes"' for the Help For Heroes charity. For the purposes of this blog I'm going to ignore the fact that it will be terrible, and they will no doubt ruin a classic song. I'm going to disregard my hatred for Simon Cowell. I will overlook the issue of whether a charity like Help For Heroes should even exist (shouldn't the government be giving them compensation as they are their employers?). It's just a bad choice of song for the X Factor to do.
It seems as though Simon Cowell, as he drank his morning cup of brimstone (sorry, impartiality returning now), simply Googled "song+hero+famous artist". A previous X Factor song for said charity was 'Hero' by Mariah Carey. This makes sense. The song (while terrible) is about the fact there is heroic potential in all of us, so what the choice of song was basically saying is that we should support the people who show that heroism. Fair enough. Now, '"Heroes"' is a different matter. For a start, if I ignore good grammar for a second, the song is called "Heroes". Not Heroes. If 'Friends' has taught us anything it's that quotation marks mean sarcasm (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knlh3CgXI6g). Without opening a moral can of worms over whether killing innocent Palestinian and Iraqi people makes you a hero (hey, I'll admit some of them ARE heroes, like the ones who get their legs blown off saving their friends) is Cowell trying to be sarcastic in calling them heroes? Does he think the charity is Help For "Heroes"? Choosing to cover a song without even understanding the title is foolish in the extreme.
The second point is the song. Yes, you know the meaning of the actual song. Now, of course, the 'X Factor' contestants will perform the shortened single version but I'll get to that in a minute. Does Cowelzebub (sorry!) know what the song is actually about? For anyone who doesn't know, it's the story of two lovers kissing in the shadow of the Berlin wall, despite the oppression of the time. It has nothing to DO with soldiers, if anything it's against soldiers for example :
"I can remember
Standing by the wall
And the guns shot above our heads
And we kissed
As though nothing could fall
And the shame was on the other side"
Do the soldiers shooting at the lovers mentioned in the song sound like heroes to you? Because what I'd take from those lyrics is that the soldiers are the villains of the piece. And the thing is these lines are in the single version so the 'X Factor' singers will be performing these lines without any sense of irony. The song mentions oppressive soldiers at various other points too :
"Though nothing will
Drive them away
We can beat them
Just for one day"
"We're nothing
And nothing will help us"
Even ignoring the fact that these lyrics depict soldiers (at the Berlin wall, so not even Nazis, Allied soldiers) as being oppressive and unemotional, "Nothing will drive them away"? "We're nothing and nothing will help us"? Uplifting. Even the more inspiring sounding lyrics such as "I wish I could swim, like the dolphins can swim" aren't all they seem. Surely these are about escape?
Another point is that the lovers in the song are not heroes either. Yes, they are the ones who can be "heroes just for one day" but consider for example :
"You can be mean
And I
I'll drink all the time
Because we're lovers"
The people in the song are passionate, and unpredictable, heroes one minute and "heroes" the next. Is this the image that the cover is trying to project of soldiers? I think not.
So, to sum up, this is a song in which no-one is a hero, and fighting is a futility. "Our Boys" ((c) The Sun) must be so proud.

I hate concert promoters, here's why

In 1965, The Beatles played at Shea Stadium to an audience of 55,600, the largest concert ever at the time. The ticket price? $5.60. With inflation it would be more today, but I'm sure it was still pretty darn cheap
In 1996, Oasis played Knebworth, a venue with a capacity of more than 100,000. Over two and a half million people applied for tickets, the most in-demand concert ever in Britain, a record which still stands. They were supported by : The Charlatans, Kula Shaker, Manic Street Preachers, The Bootleg Beatles, The Chemical Brothers, Ocean Colour Scene and The Prodigy. Ticket price? £22.50
In November 2010, Jedward will play the Grand Hall in Kilmarnock. Jedward came 5th(?) on last year's X Factor. The Grand Hall holds around 3000 people. Ticket price? £22.50. Yes, you read that correctly.
Is it just me, or are concert promoters the worst people ever? I wanted to go and see Gorillaz in the SECC this year (which they later cancelled, the feckers*) but the ticket price stopped me. £45? Not even for a stadium gig? The cheapest ticket I've had (for an established band) is £20. £20 doesn't seem all that terrible, but I've had to pay up to £50 for stadium gigs. Again, these kinds of gigs are a once-in-a-lifetime experience (yes, bands tour again, but a stadium gig is a special thing, it's a whole day out) and it's not like you go to more than one a year, but when you compare the prices now to the prices of truly huge and iconic gigs from ye olde days, it's frightening. If I had a time machine, for the price of seeing Paul McCartney today at Hampden (£75!!) I could see The Beatles at Shea Stadium, Queen at Wembley, Oasis at Knebworth and Led Zeppelin at Earls Court. Yes, in a perfect world you could see 4 of the most iconic gigs of all time for the price of seeing the ginger Beatle singing 'Dance Tonight'. But we do not live and a perfect world. So, let's either invent a time-machine, or let's burn down the headquarters of DF Concerts and SJ Productions! VIVA LA CHEAPSKATE REVOLUCION!
Thanks for reading

*in a slightly related footnote, yes Gorillaz cancelled their gigs in Glasgow, Newcastle and Manchester to play in America. If you bought tickets for one of these dates? You can either have a refund, of you can TRY to get a ticket for the Liverpool date, and you'll be given a DISCOUNTED bus journey. Brilliant

Simon Cowell is evil - Are we surprised?

The Dark Lord Satan


So, after inflicting Joe McElderry, Shayne Ward and Leona Lewis on us, it turns out Simon Cowell not only releases terrible music, he's also a deceptive batty-sleeve.
Yes, the 'X Factor' has been auto-tuning its auditions. Watch the link. Could it be more obvious? Whose gonna win the 'X Factor' this year, T-Pain? With a cover of Kanye West's 'Heartless'? Actually, can Kanye West win the 'X Factor'? "I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish, but Nelson Mandela had one of the best sob stories of all time. Of all time!". Did I really just compare the 21 year struggle of Nelson Mandela to an 'X Factor' sob story? I think I did. These blogs really should be less of a stream of consciousness, I don't come across well...
So, where was I? Ah, yes, Simon Cowell. ITV/Syco/Our Dear Leader/Big Brother (that was a '1984' reference, if you thought I was referencing the Channel 4 shitefest leave now) have released a statement today saying, and I quote :
"The judges make their decisions at the auditions stage based on what they hear on the day, live in the arena. The footage and sound is then edited and dubbed into a finished programme, to deliver the most entertaining experience possible for viewers. When it gets to the live shows, it will be all live."
Now, I don't watch the 'X Factor', whatever Matthew may tell you. However, surely the viewers should be able to hear what the judges hear? Apart from the fact they're being treated like idiots in that statement, basically telling them what they want, they're going to be voting for these people, giving their money to the very people editing the vocals. Before anyone jumps in, I KNOW that you don't vote in the auditions but this is your/our first impression of these people. Andrew O'Keefe, an expert in human behaviour says :
"Humans make quick judgments from first impressions and use these quick judgments to classify experiences. Once people have classified their opinion, it's hard to shift that opinion. We judge subsequent events by how we have already classified the information."
this means that many people, consciously or otherwise, will now have decided to vote for Gamu Nhengu, based on a performance which was tuned to make it as perfect as possible. Now, she may be a fantastic singer, she may deserve to win the show but shouldn't people who are going to be spending their money have access to all of the facts? I can use auto-tune on my computer. If I record myself singing, auto-tune it so I sound good (it's a leap, but bear with me), audition for the 'X Factor' and mime so well to my track that they put me through, would they accept that? Or would I be kicked off the show? Most likely the latter am I right? And why? How is what I have just described in any way different to what the "bosses of the show" (Simon Cowell) are doing to viewers? It's deceptive and it's WRONG.
Just to clarify, I'm not attacking auto-tuning in itself (I have Jay-Z to do that for me), because the fact is that 99% of artists these days use it, and if you think the bands you like don't you're in for a shock, it may be subtle but I can almost guarantee you that they do (either that or they do 100 takes of a song, cut the best bits together and auto-tune the gaps into a coherent take) but in a live performance you're cheating fans out of hard-earned money whether that be a gig or a 'talent' show.
Ok, I have finished my rant, 'X Factor' fans, how do you feel about auto-tune gate? 'X Factor' haters, should Simon Cowell be strung up? Metal fans, think Metallica and Slipknot don't use auto-tune? You're an idiot. They do.
Thanks for reading.

'How Not To Live Your Life' - How to make a comedy

Just finished (re) watching an episode of 'How Not To Live Your Life' on BBC 2. Also discovered that the new series will be on sometime in the autumn. This is great news. For those who haven't seen it (which will be most people, as it's on at around midnight on BBC 3 whenever new episodes are broadcast - because what we all want is repeats of 'Gavin and Stacey' instead of new shows) 'How Not To Live Your Life' is a sitcom, written by and starring Dan Clark, about a "dickhead" named Don who inherits a stately house from his recently deceased grandmother. He has no job, no friends... no life. Essentially, the show is about Don and his bad manners and judgement getting him into awkward situations. Series 1 concerns his failed attempts to get together with his flatmate, Abby, and his hatred of her pretentious boyfriend, while series 2 is about his new flatmate, Sam, and the love-hate relationship they have. The real stars are the supporting cast, Eddie, Don's home help (who he seemingly inherited from his grandmother) and Mrs Treacher, his elderly next door neighbour (catchphrase : Q : "You alright Mrs Treacher? A : "No! My husband's dead, remember?") who are expertly used - prominent enough to be hilarious, but not over-used so as to be annoying. Series 2 is currently being repeated on BBC2, and should be available on Iplayer for a week after each episode so I highly recommend watching it, it may not be everyone's cup of tea but if you have the right sense of humour it's genuinely laugh-out-loud hilarious.
The joy of seeing a repeat of this amazing show, was the highlight of a rather awful day. I actually managed a good night of sleep for the first time in a while, and I managed to sleep until half 12, when my dad came in to say Sainsbury's had phoned. I phoned them back, "would you like to do some over-time?" they said. I agreed. This was a mistake. About 2 and a half hours through my four hour shift, I started to experience some vision problems. I knew what was coming. Migraine. I must warn you good people, that the checkout of a supermarket is absolutely the worst place to get a migraine. Here's a scenario :
Me (half-blind, nauseous, and with Slipknot playing a land-mine and air-raid siren solo in my head remember) : Hi :)
Customer : Hi, nice weather isn't it?
Me : Yeah, must be 'cos I'm working, it's always sunny when I'm working!"
Checkout : BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Agony doesn't cover it

And just to top off my great day, this blog won't go out of bold. Great. I had planned to write more, but all this bold will offend your eyes.
Thanks for reading

The reason Scotland are doomed to failure, now and forever

Yes, it's a football blog. Well, mainly, I'll probably get distracted and start to ramble about other things.
So, new manager, same shite eh? Watching Scotland lose 3-0 to Sweden (or 3-1 if you read The Scotsman) last night, it wasn't even disappointing, it was just expected. Firstly, "giving a chance" to players such as Gary Kenneth at international level is pointless. Anyone could have said before the game that he wasn't good enough to play for Scotland. But no, he hadn't been given a chance, he should get the opportunity to TRY. Well, sorry, but I've never had the opportunity to play for Scotland, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't mark Zlatan Ibrahimovic either. On this basis, I should turn up at Prestwick airport and demand to fly a plane. Do I have a pilot's licence? No, but I've never tried flying a plane, so how do we know whether I'm good enough for that altitude? I have to say, I'm probably being unfair, the entire defence was a shambles, the first two goals were both the result of the wing-backs failing to stop a cross. The second goal for example. Kim Kallstrom, Football Manager superstar goes to the byline. He stops, the ball probably goes out of play. Guess the next move of our Scottish heroes? They stop. They just stop. Don't they know to play to the whistle? Did they make the classic mistake of confusing Swedish people with Tyrannosaurus Rex and assume if they stood still they wouldn't be seen? Or are they just Kirk Broadfoot and Lee Wallace? Kirk Broadfoot is a man who tried to cook and egg in a microwave, and was almost blinded when the egg exploded in his face. How is he meant to read the game when he probably can't read the team sheet? The line-ups are probably posted in the dressing room in the form of Quentin Blake drawings whenever dear Kirk is in the squad. Furthermore, we have a midfield which can't string two passes together. Seriously, the first thing we did in the game was give the ball straight to Sweden, it's kinda difficult to score if you don't have the ball no? And remember, we're facing Spain in the qualifying for Euro 2012, Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas... How are we supposed to contain that midfield when we can't contain Pontus Vernbloom (best name ever?), Behrang Safari, Anders Svensson and Ola Toivinen? Yes, we are doomed ladies and gentlemen, doomed. I actually prefer it when Scotland get humped. Obviously I'd rather we qualified, but it's much better to be terrible and get nowhere near success, than to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the last game just as qualification is in our grasp.
Thanks for reading.

Why Radiohead are total cunts

Remember in 2007, to much fanfare, middle-class fannies Radiohead released their latest wanky dirge-fest 'In Rainbows' (or as it, and all of their albums could easily be called, 'The World Is A Fucked Up Place Where There Aren't Enough Koala Bears To Go Round Because Governments Are Stealing From Poor People') onto the internet allowing fans to pay what they liked? The multi-millionaires derided other bands for forcing people to pay to hear their music, cos that's just like ridiculous man, spending money to make a record and getting payed for it man, it's about art man. Of course, they then released a £40 version of 'In Rainbows' with 8 extra tracks. Anyway the plain old CD + iTunes release went to number 1 in America and the UK, selling around 4 million copies worldwide. Now, the thing is a band such as Radiohead, Coldplay, U2, Oasis could afford to do something like this, and still have huge sales, but for a smaller or unsigned band this is totally ridiculous, they'd go bankrupt! Anyhoo, the main point behind all this IS that now people sharing 'In Rainbows' for free on the internet have been told to stop or risk having their blogs etc shut down. So the message is, pay 1p for our album, but only for 2 months, and only when we know about it? So, just to piss of Radiohead, here's one of their "exclusive" tracks from the £40 boxset : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUZQdZtmlT8
Don't listen to it, just click on the link, clock up some hits, piss of Thom Yorke. And that tall guy who doesn't do anything. Another reason to hate Radiohead, is that they are directly responsible for Keane. And Bloc Party. I like to think Thom Yorke is sitting right now, in his Oxford mansion (probably) listening to Bloc Party's 'Song For Clay' and it's references to foie gras and screaming "WHAT HAVE I DONE??" as a tears fall from his wonky eyes. On a side-note, 'Creep' is quite good.
On the theme of the general public being ripped off by things that are wanky, shit and overly long, there's to be a cinematic re-release of 'Avatar' (or 'Smurfahontas' as it should have been known) featuring 8 minutes of additional footage! Yes, you read that correctly. Not 80 minutes. Or 18 minutes. 8 fucking minutes. That's an extra 4% added to the running time! Or more likely a £ for every extra minute of footage. Brilliant. The film isn't even very good, it essentially teaches us that disabled people aren't real people, they'd be better off as blue cat people. AND Mr Cameron, I thought SkyNet was to have destroyed humanity by this point in the future? Poor consistency there.
Thanks for reading

Kilmarnock - Where a picture really does speak 1000 words

Oh Kilmarnock. Home of, The Scheme, Kilmarnock Football Club and not much else. I have previously stated that I had seen one image which summed up Kilmarnock : An overweight man, in the bus station, in a Rangers top, smoking a fag and pushing a pram - filled with beer. Well, yesterday I saw another one. Someone had obviously decided they would bike to work, but of course, one can't just leave a cycle in central Killie can one? So this person had, sensibly, decided to use a bike chain. However, the thieves of Kilmarnock were not to be out-done... The bike had it's back wheel stolen, the only part which wasn't chained down. Brilliant. Almost beats the time somebody stole a "no waiting" sign.
Secondly, got in from work today, to find some mail. Among these was a letter from some religious types. Well, I say a letter, it was more a pamphlet. It said only this : "Remember, Jesus rose from the dead"... Well, thank you, but that doesn't really help me as I'm mopping the floor does it? The day I become a religious man is the day I get a pamphlet saying : "Allah is salvation. P.s, you're out of milk"
Thanks for reading :)

The gift of sound and (tele)vision... It's a long one!

So, how are we? Today, as you may have guessed from the title, I am going to have an ill-informed rant about television. Before you read this I'd like to point out that this was in a night, over the course of around three hours, I didn't sit and watch TV all day...
Firstly, after my Big Brother and the death of British TV rant, did anyone see 'Sherlock' tonight on BBC 1? It's a 3 part series of 90 minute episodes, written by Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss of Doctor Who fame and another writer named Stephen Thomson. As some of you may have guessed, I did indeed watch this because it was written by Steven Moffat, who is one of the best television writers of... ever. He's almost as good as Joss Whedon. Though not quite. No-one is as good as Joss Whedon... Sorry, I got distracted, ah, yes, Steven Moffat. Basically, before becoming head writer on Doctor Who he wrote all the best episodes. 'The Empty Child', 'The Doctor Dances', 'Blink', 'The Girl In The Fireplace', 'Silence In The Library'... And then he cast Karen Gillan as Amy Pond and made my favourite series of Doctor Who after Christopher Eccleston's. Genius. Oh, and just to clarify, I thought David Tennant was great, I'm only referring to the storylines over an entire series in my ranking of favourites... So, back to my original point, Sherlock was brilliant. It took the familiar character and placed him in modern-day London, which didn't sound promising, but actually made it much better than the recent film, although having never read any of the books I don't consider myself an expert. The story was exciting, and fast-moving, the characters seemed more real than previous adaptations I've seen and the dialogue was, of course, fantastic. I'll give you an example. Basically, Holmes arch-enemy briefly kidnaps Watson, and offers him money to spy on Holmes. Here is the conversation between the two after Watson's release :
Watson : I met your friend.
Holmes : *looks confused* A friend?
Watson : An enemy
Holmes : *looks relieved* oh, which one?
Watson : Your arch-enemy according to him. Do people HAVE arch-enemies? Who is he?
Holmes : He's the most dangerous man you'll ever meet, and none of my concern at the moment. Did he offer you money to spy on me?
Watson : Yes
Holmes : Did you accept?
Watson : No
Holmes : You should have, we could have split the fee, think it through next time

Utter brilliance. I realise I haven't discussed the story, which is deliberate as I want you all to WATCH IT on iPlayer. You won't regret it, trust me.
Ok, second of all, the welcome return of 'Young, Dumb and Living off Mum'. This programme is by far the finest example of a phenomenon I call 'BBC 3 tv'. You can't sleep, you turn on the tv, you flick to BBC 3, you sit and watch an hour of something or other, not really caring either way. Then, slowly, you begin to look forward to the next episode, and before you know it, you're hooked. It's like befriending a tramp you see on the way home. Essentially, the premise of the show is that a bunch of lazy, spoiled teenagers move into a house together and get jobs and a budget, to show them what it's like in the real world. So far this series, 2 contestants have left, both only in the first episode! I can't remember their names, one was posh, kinda hot and dirty (as in she didn't wash... but now you mention it she DID look like... sorry back to the point) and the other was Beef Curry II. This will make sense to hard-core viewers such as me. This series may even turn out to be better than the first...
Finally, or possibly not, I'm in full flow at this stage, the highlights of the German Grand Prix. I was out during the live race and only managed to catch a few laps on the radio but I gather something controversial happened? Basically, Fernando Alonso was behind Felipe Massa, his Ferrari team-mate, but lapping at a faster pace. The Formula 1 rules state that a team cannot give orders to influence a race, however, in the 48th lap, Massa visibly slowed down to let Alonso pass, having been told over team radio "Fernando is faster than you, do you understand Fernando is faster than you". Following the race, Massa insisted it was his decision to let Alonso pass, as this would be beneficial to his team-mate's attempt at the world championship. However, Ferrari have been fined £100,000 and referred to the world motorsport council. Now, my opinion. Massa clearly WAS given orders to let Alonso pass, there is no doubt about that, it was plain in the voice of Massa's technician that he wasn't happy with the decision, even saying "I'm sorry". However, it shouldn't BE illegal for such practice to take place in Formula 1. What were Ferrari meant to do? Have Alonso stuck behind Massa? That would leave him open to being caught by Vettel, or risk over-taking Massa and causing a crash to put them both out of the race. Alonso is the number one driver, he is the better driver, he has more chance of winning the world championship for his team, OF COURSE Massa should let him pass, in any other sport it would be the case, rather than throwing the book at Ferrari, Formula 1 should re-examine this ludicrous rule.
Ok, I believe I will end it there, as this blog is rapidly approaching biblical size.
Until next time, thanks for reading!

I can't get no sleep - thanks to Justin Bieber

Yes, it was one of those nights. You lie in bed, exhausted and KNOWING you have to be up in the morning, yet you just can't seem to fall asleep. Ridiculous questions pop into your head for no reason, such as Justin Bieber? That's it, just that, I mean really Justin Bieber? Makes no sense to me. And why is it acceptable for girls to want to shag the Bieber? He's like 12 is he not? It's just shedophilia (that's paedophilia for girls)! I wonder if they'll still want him when he's a 27 year old drug addict, photographed offering blowjobs to lepers while mumbling 'Baby' through a mouthful of lepery tramp penis. Incidentally, I hope to be the first person on the internet to have used the phrase "lepery tramp penis". In fact, I'm hoping that was a unique phrase in the English language. Another sure-fire example of insomia, is looking up ridiculous things on Google. Last night, I attempted to substantiate my theory that all the nazis from World War II are in fact now living on the moon. Hilariously, Googling "Nazi Moon Base" actually throws up quite a few conspiracy theories! Hey, 3000 insomniacs can't be wrong. On the plus side, I also Googled the Doctor Who Christmas special (it's extremely sad that the main reason I look forward to Xmas is that there is always a new-Who) and it seems they started filming it just a few days ago. The main reason I mention this is a gratuitous excuse to have a picture of Amy Pond on my blog. Talking of gratuitous usage of images of people I love, I heard the new Katy Perry song yesterday too. I'm really not sure. Needs more listens! (Yes, I like Katy Perry, I also like Nirvana and while we're on confessions, Coldplay. Deal with it) Anyhoo, dear readers (of which there are probably about two) I'm off to the moon to find Hitler and free the alien concentration camps of Mars.
Thanks for reading

Musings on sand and sea...

I am determined to keep this blog up, as I feel it will make me an interesting and slightly wanky student type person. Plus a lot of my friends from uni have one and I enjoy reading their journalistic opinions.
So, this blog basically concerns the beach and all things implied therein. Is it just me that doesn't understand the huge attraction of the beach? The main reason for this is sand. Apart from the practical uses, such as glass making, I fail to see the attraction in sand. I am currently in France, and I guarantee that if were to go to the beach, the sand would burn my feet, get in my food + drinks and stick to me like child abuse allegations to R. Kelly. I fail to see the attraction of this. Of course, on occasion I like to go to Irvine beach with some friends and have a chilled day beside the sea, but in all honesty I'd rather be sitting on grass. Or even dog shit, dog shit is easier to get rid of. I mean seriously, my car is still full of sand from the first time Lisa sat in it covered in sand (i'm sure the driver's seat is the same in all fairness but I d0n't constantly see that while driving). And once you bypass the sand, you reach the sea. Again, at Irvine beach this isn't really an issue, as all anyone does is paddle in it a little bit. However, on holiday you feel as if you are OBLIGED to go swimming. It's the Atlantic Ocean, it's still freezing! Again, don't get me wrong, one of the most hilarious days of my life was in France, being knocked over by huge waves and carried several feet before being roughly dumped on the beach. But swimming around in that freezing cold salt, pretending to enjoy myself? No thank you.
Now, to round off my argument I will offer one small advantage to the beach over most places. Beach football. It's like real football but girls and non-football type men join in. It's hilarious.
Now, I have to finish reading a little 1300 page novel called The Stand. Thank you for reading

It would appear I now have a blog...

I set this blog up in French, because I am in France and I couldn't work out how to put it into English. This blog would probably be a bit less ranty, but I have discovered this can somehow get uni credit, so I am writing opinion blogs here!
So, anyway, saw a bit of Big Brother the other day. Now, I understand people like it (well, less and less these days!) but seriously, it's so bad it's not even funny it's just embarrassing. I've seen two clips this series, in one of them, there was a robot in the house assigning tasks to people, in the other the housemates were making their own musical. In what way is this a "social experiment"? It's just hopelessly moronic, there isn't any intelligence going into making the programme whatsoever. The sooner that this is over for good, the better and we can get back to watching genuinely intelligent, good British tv shows such as The I.T Crowd, Doctor Who, The Inbetweeners and the sadly defunct Life On Mars.