Simon Cowell is evil - Are we surprised?

The Dark Lord Satan


So, after inflicting Joe McElderry, Shayne Ward and Leona Lewis on us, it turns out Simon Cowell not only releases terrible music, he's also a deceptive batty-sleeve.
Yes, the 'X Factor' has been auto-tuning its auditions. Watch the link. Could it be more obvious? Whose gonna win the 'X Factor' this year, T-Pain? With a cover of Kanye West's 'Heartless'? Actually, can Kanye West win the 'X Factor'? "I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish, but Nelson Mandela had one of the best sob stories of all time. Of all time!". Did I really just compare the 21 year struggle of Nelson Mandela to an 'X Factor' sob story? I think I did. These blogs really should be less of a stream of consciousness, I don't come across well...
So, where was I? Ah, yes, Simon Cowell. ITV/Syco/Our Dear Leader/Big Brother (that was a '1984' reference, if you thought I was referencing the Channel 4 shitefest leave now) have released a statement today saying, and I quote :
"The judges make their decisions at the auditions stage based on what they hear on the day, live in the arena. The footage and sound is then edited and dubbed into a finished programme, to deliver the most entertaining experience possible for viewers. When it gets to the live shows, it will be all live."
Now, I don't watch the 'X Factor', whatever Matthew may tell you. However, surely the viewers should be able to hear what the judges hear? Apart from the fact they're being treated like idiots in that statement, basically telling them what they want, they're going to be voting for these people, giving their money to the very people editing the vocals. Before anyone jumps in, I KNOW that you don't vote in the auditions but this is your/our first impression of these people. Andrew O'Keefe, an expert in human behaviour says :
"Humans make quick judgments from first impressions and use these quick judgments to classify experiences. Once people have classified their opinion, it's hard to shift that opinion. We judge subsequent events by how we have already classified the information."
this means that many people, consciously or otherwise, will now have decided to vote for Gamu Nhengu, based on a performance which was tuned to make it as perfect as possible. Now, she may be a fantastic singer, she may deserve to win the show but shouldn't people who are going to be spending their money have access to all of the facts? I can use auto-tune on my computer. If I record myself singing, auto-tune it so I sound good (it's a leap, but bear with me), audition for the 'X Factor' and mime so well to my track that they put me through, would they accept that? Or would I be kicked off the show? Most likely the latter am I right? And why? How is what I have just described in any way different to what the "bosses of the show" (Simon Cowell) are doing to viewers? It's deceptive and it's WRONG.
Just to clarify, I'm not attacking auto-tuning in itself (I have Jay-Z to do that for me), because the fact is that 99% of artists these days use it, and if you think the bands you like don't you're in for a shock, it may be subtle but I can almost guarantee you that they do (either that or they do 100 takes of a song, cut the best bits together and auto-tune the gaps into a coherent take) but in a live performance you're cheating fans out of hard-earned money whether that be a gig or a 'talent' show.
Ok, I have finished my rant, 'X Factor' fans, how do you feel about auto-tune gate? 'X Factor' haters, should Simon Cowell be strung up? Metal fans, think Metallica and Slipknot don't use auto-tune? You're an idiot. They do.
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'How Not To Live Your Life' - How to make a comedy

Just finished (re) watching an episode of 'How Not To Live Your Life' on BBC 2. Also discovered that the new series will be on sometime in the autumn. This is great news. For those who haven't seen it (which will be most people, as it's on at around midnight on BBC 3 whenever new episodes are broadcast - because what we all want is repeats of 'Gavin and Stacey' instead of new shows) 'How Not To Live Your Life' is a sitcom, written by and starring Dan Clark, about a "dickhead" named Don who inherits a stately house from his recently deceased grandmother. He has no job, no friends... no life. Essentially, the show is about Don and his bad manners and judgement getting him into awkward situations. Series 1 concerns his failed attempts to get together with his flatmate, Abby, and his hatred of her pretentious boyfriend, while series 2 is about his new flatmate, Sam, and the love-hate relationship they have. The real stars are the supporting cast, Eddie, Don's home help (who he seemingly inherited from his grandmother) and Mrs Treacher, his elderly next door neighbour (catchphrase : Q : "You alright Mrs Treacher? A : "No! My husband's dead, remember?") who are expertly used - prominent enough to be hilarious, but not over-used so as to be annoying. Series 2 is currently being repeated on BBC2, and should be available on Iplayer for a week after each episode so I highly recommend watching it, it may not be everyone's cup of tea but if you have the right sense of humour it's genuinely laugh-out-loud hilarious.
The joy of seeing a repeat of this amazing show, was the highlight of a rather awful day. I actually managed a good night of sleep for the first time in a while, and I managed to sleep until half 12, when my dad came in to say Sainsbury's had phoned. I phoned them back, "would you like to do some over-time?" they said. I agreed. This was a mistake. About 2 and a half hours through my four hour shift, I started to experience some vision problems. I knew what was coming. Migraine. I must warn you good people, that the checkout of a supermarket is absolutely the worst place to get a migraine. Here's a scenario :
Me (half-blind, nauseous, and with Slipknot playing a land-mine and air-raid siren solo in my head remember) : Hi :)
Customer : Hi, nice weather isn't it?
Me : Yeah, must be 'cos I'm working, it's always sunny when I'm working!"
Checkout : BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Agony doesn't cover it

And just to top off my great day, this blog won't go out of bold. Great. I had planned to write more, but all this bold will offend your eyes.
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The reason Scotland are doomed to failure, now and forever

Yes, it's a football blog. Well, mainly, I'll probably get distracted and start to ramble about other things.
So, new manager, same shite eh? Watching Scotland lose 3-0 to Sweden (or 3-1 if you read The Scotsman) last night, it wasn't even disappointing, it was just expected. Firstly, "giving a chance" to players such as Gary Kenneth at international level is pointless. Anyone could have said before the game that he wasn't good enough to play for Scotland. But no, he hadn't been given a chance, he should get the opportunity to TRY. Well, sorry, but I've never had the opportunity to play for Scotland, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't mark Zlatan Ibrahimovic either. On this basis, I should turn up at Prestwick airport and demand to fly a plane. Do I have a pilot's licence? No, but I've never tried flying a plane, so how do we know whether I'm good enough for that altitude? I have to say, I'm probably being unfair, the entire defence was a shambles, the first two goals were both the result of the wing-backs failing to stop a cross. The second goal for example. Kim Kallstrom, Football Manager superstar goes to the byline. He stops, the ball probably goes out of play. Guess the next move of our Scottish heroes? They stop. They just stop. Don't they know to play to the whistle? Did they make the classic mistake of confusing Swedish people with Tyrannosaurus Rex and assume if they stood still they wouldn't be seen? Or are they just Kirk Broadfoot and Lee Wallace? Kirk Broadfoot is a man who tried to cook and egg in a microwave, and was almost blinded when the egg exploded in his face. How is he meant to read the game when he probably can't read the team sheet? The line-ups are probably posted in the dressing room in the form of Quentin Blake drawings whenever dear Kirk is in the squad. Furthermore, we have a midfield which can't string two passes together. Seriously, the first thing we did in the game was give the ball straight to Sweden, it's kinda difficult to score if you don't have the ball no? And remember, we're facing Spain in the qualifying for Euro 2012, Xavi, Iniesta, Fabregas... How are we supposed to contain that midfield when we can't contain Pontus Vernbloom (best name ever?), Behrang Safari, Anders Svensson and Ola Toivinen? Yes, we are doomed ladies and gentlemen, doomed. I actually prefer it when Scotland get humped. Obviously I'd rather we qualified, but it's much better to be terrible and get nowhere near success, than to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the last game just as qualification is in our grasp.
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Why Radiohead are total cunts

Remember in 2007, to much fanfare, middle-class fannies Radiohead released their latest wanky dirge-fest 'In Rainbows' (or as it, and all of their albums could easily be called, 'The World Is A Fucked Up Place Where There Aren't Enough Koala Bears To Go Round Because Governments Are Stealing From Poor People') onto the internet allowing fans to pay what they liked? The multi-millionaires derided other bands for forcing people to pay to hear their music, cos that's just like ridiculous man, spending money to make a record and getting payed for it man, it's about art man. Of course, they then released a £40 version of 'In Rainbows' with 8 extra tracks. Anyway the plain old CD + iTunes release went to number 1 in America and the UK, selling around 4 million copies worldwide. Now, the thing is a band such as Radiohead, Coldplay, U2, Oasis could afford to do something like this, and still have huge sales, but for a smaller or unsigned band this is totally ridiculous, they'd go bankrupt! Anyhoo, the main point behind all this IS that now people sharing 'In Rainbows' for free on the internet have been told to stop or risk having their blogs etc shut down. So the message is, pay 1p for our album, but only for 2 months, and only when we know about it? So, just to piss of Radiohead, here's one of their "exclusive" tracks from the £40 boxset : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUZQdZtmlT8
Don't listen to it, just click on the link, clock up some hits, piss of Thom Yorke. And that tall guy who doesn't do anything. Another reason to hate Radiohead, is that they are directly responsible for Keane. And Bloc Party. I like to think Thom Yorke is sitting right now, in his Oxford mansion (probably) listening to Bloc Party's 'Song For Clay' and it's references to foie gras and screaming "WHAT HAVE I DONE??" as a tears fall from his wonky eyes. On a side-note, 'Creep' is quite good.
On the theme of the general public being ripped off by things that are wanky, shit and overly long, there's to be a cinematic re-release of 'Avatar' (or 'Smurfahontas' as it should have been known) featuring 8 minutes of additional footage! Yes, you read that correctly. Not 80 minutes. Or 18 minutes. 8 fucking minutes. That's an extra 4% added to the running time! Or more likely a £ for every extra minute of footage. Brilliant. The film isn't even very good, it essentially teaches us that disabled people aren't real people, they'd be better off as blue cat people. AND Mr Cameron, I thought SkyNet was to have destroyed humanity by this point in the future? Poor consistency there.
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